


About Love

by thesadchicken



Category: Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012), The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Missing Scene, the Captain is a silly man and it's kind of adorable, the story itself is actually a mix between movie and book canon, this takes place a few days/weeks after the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26015011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesadchicken/pseuds/thesadchicken
Summary: The Pirate Captain is confused. The pirate with a scarf helps. The lads wonder what the best thing about love is.
Relationships: Pirate Captain/Pirate with a Scarf
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	About Love

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few days/weeks after the movie, but it's really a mix between movie and book canon.

‘It’s the flowers!’ said the albino pirate.

‘No, it’s the poems!” answered the pirate with gout.

‘Everyone knows it’s the snogging!’

‘It’s the crushing feeling of despair!’

There was a loud bang as the pirate who liked sunsets and kittens threw the pirate in green against the mast. The surprisingly curvaceous pirate responded by breaking a chair on the sassy pirate’s head. Cutlasses were drawn, fists were put up, and a fight erupted.

Then the great double doors leading to the Captain’s office (or “nerve center”, as he had been encouraging the men to call it, on account of that sounding more exciting) swung open, and the Pirate Captain himself emerged, eyes glowing menacingly.

‘What’s all this racket about, you scurvy lubbers?’ he roared.

The pirates froze, chairs and cutlasses and fists hanging in the air.

‘Sorry, Captain,’ said the albino pirate.

‘We were just arguing over something,’ added the pirate with gout.

The Pirate Captain frowned. ‘And what is it you were arguing over this time?’

‘We were wondering what the best thing about love is,’ explained the pirate who liked sunsets and kittens.

‘I thought it might be the flowers,’ beamed the albino pirate.

‘And I said it was the snogging!’

There was a long, uninterrupted pause then, and all the pirates looked up at their captain expectantly. This was usually the bit where he gave them the correct answer to whatever it was they had been arguing over, and they would slap their foreheads at how obvious it would turn out to be.

But today was different. The pause went on uninterrupted for a minute too long. It wasn’t like that time when the Pirate Captain had been too sad and depressed to provide a proper answer either. No, this time his eyes flashed with momentary surprise, then anger.

‘What are you lubbers thinking about love for? You’re pirates, for goodness’ sake, not the heroines of a romance novel!’

And with that he stormed back into his office and slammed the door behind him. The pirates stood there in silence, not knowing quite what to do. If you were to compare the Pirate Captain that morning to a seashell—and after trees, types of fonts, cheese and creatures, seashells were the pirates’ favourite things to compare people to—well, he would probably be one of those small pointy bastards that get stuck between your toes. Something was wrong, but no one knew what, exactly.

The Pirate Captain sat in his office, gloomily staring at a painting of himself arm-wrestling with a pig. He’d recently realised something very important and quite life-changing that was making it even harder than usual to concentrate on running the boat and stuff like that. Usually, the Pirate Captain dealt with his problems by pretending they didn’t exist, but this one was too tricky to be ignored.

There was a soft knock on the door, then the pirate with a scarf peeked around the corner before stepping into the room.

‘Captain… Could I have a word?’

The Pirate Captain nodded, suddenly very nervous. He looked around for biscuits, but the tin was on the floor, empty except for a few crumbs that Polly was happily pecking at. Not knowing what to do with his hands, he shoved them into his pockets and started whistling, because he thought it might make him look nonchalant.

‘Um, it’s about—’ said the pirate with a scarf. He had to stop and start over, speaking a little louder this time to cover the sound of the Captain’s whistling. ‘It’s about the crew, sir. They’re worried about you.’

The Pirate Captain stopped whistling. ‘Worried? Why would they be worried? There’s absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, everything is—everything is fine.’

The pirate with a scarf looked concerned. ‘Well, you haven’t been yourself lately, sir. It seems you’re a little… on edge.’

‘On edge? _Me_? What gave you that idea?’ exclaimed the Pirate Captain as he waved his arm to dismiss his first mate’s concerns, knocking over an ink bottle.

‘But if there _were_ something, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?’ asked the pirate with a scarf, leaning ever so slightly closer.

According to the Panini Pirate Trading Cards that most kids collected these days, the Pirate Captain had very few weaknesses. One of them was “confuses right and left”, which was fair—after all, that was what the tattoos on his feet were for. There were two or three more weaknesses according to the cards, but that wasn’t the point: the point was that they’d missed the most important weakness of all. As a general rule, these cards weren’t at all accurate, so this wasn’t surprising really—only a bit disappointing.

For the Pirate Captain’s biggest weakness was the pirate with a scarf.

Which was probably why he decided to tell him the truth about what had been bothering him for the past few weeks, mortifying as it was.

‘Do you remember, number two, right after our adventure with Charles Darwin? When I asked you if you were a woman disguised as a man?’

The pirate with a scarf sighed. ‘The answer is still no; you can’t look down my pants to make sure, sir.’

‘Right. Of course not,’ nodded the Pirate Captain. ‘It’s just—well, how can you be _sure_?’

‘That I’m not a woman?’

‘I mean, you might be. Think about it.’

‘I’m quite sure, Captain.’

‘Because you can tell me if you are. You know I don’t believe in that sexist rubbish about women on boats. Look at Jennifer: everyone knows she’s the only person on board who actually makes any sense.’

‘What is this really about?’ squinted the scarf wearing pirate. ‘Are you trying to prove something?’

‘Yes. No! Yes—maybe a little bit.’

The pirate with a scarf took a deep breath. He sat down in front of the Captain and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. ‘Whatever it is, sir, we’ll figure it out.’

‘You see! It’s when you say things like this,’ said the Pirate Captain, desperate to get his meaning across. ‘Things like “it’s about who you are inside” and “you’re the best pirate to ever sail the seven seas” and “we’ll figure it out” and Neptune knows what else…’

‘I’m not sure I understand, Captain,’ replied the pirate with a scarf, tilting his head to the side.

‘When you say those things I realise that I… that I like you. You know. The way I’d like a girl.’

There was a stunned sort of silence. The pirate with a scarf looked like he’d just seen a ghost—the Pirate Captain even stole a glance behind him to make sure they weren’t being haunted again. Fiddling with his scarf, the usually eloquent first mate seemed at a loss for words. His ears turned very red, and if the Captain’s stomach wasn’t lurching like an angry ocean he might have found that funny.

Finally, the pirate with a scarf cleared his throat. ‘You really feel that way about me?’

‘Yes,’ said the Pirate Captain, scratching the back of his neck self-consciously. ‘It’s very confusing, I know. That’s why I’m pretty sure you’re a woman.’

‘Hmm,’ replied the scarf wearing pirate, a smile dancing on his lips. ‘Or maybe you just swing both ways.’

‘People do that?’

‘They certainly do.’

‘Well blow me down. I had no idea. I suppose you’re right then. Ha. Glad that’s settled.’

Another long, uncomfortable silence fell over the room. The Pirate Captain was just starting to regret bringing up this whole attraction thing when his second-in-command coughed and bit his lower lip pensively. The entire boat seemed to be holding its breath. Even Polly had gone oddly quiet.

‘Now might be a good time to tell you, then,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘Um, I… I feel the same way about you. Have done for quite some time.’

He gave a nervous little laugh that made the Pirate Captain’s heart do a silly dance in his chest. They both leaned over the desk.

‘Number two… would you mind terribly if I kissed you?’

The pirate with a scarf smiled softly. ‘I’d love that, actually.’

‘It’s the poems!’

‘No, it’s the snogging!’

‘It’s when you look up at the sky and sigh dramatically!’

The doors leading to the Captain’s office were flung open, and all the pirates sat up from where they’d been sprawled out on the deck. The Pirate Captain looked at them, his luxuriant beard even shinier than usual and his pleasant, open face alight with a stupid-looking smile.

‘The best thing about love,’ he said, ‘is when you find someone who makes you feel like you’re coming home. He’s your best friend. His happiness is more important to you than anything else. He loves you for who you are and tolerates you at your worst. It’s the companionship, the intimacy, the tenderness. It’s when you feel like making him laugh is the best thing you’ve ever done in your life… And the snogging is quite nice too.’


End file.
